You & I

Ever since you were born, all of the attention was on you. It was meant to be that way at first, because you were helpless. You were so needy. But I didn't even get the attention I deserved for giving birth to you.

As you grew up, you still demanded attention everywhere you went. All eyes on you, whether you knew it or not. I saw the way the girls looked at you, dying to be your friend. The way boys looked at you, dying to be with you. I even caught men staring at you every so often. Men! Why would you want a grown man? You were only a teenager. You wouldn't know what to do with them.

On your wedding day, you had an usher take me to my seat before you walked down the aisle alone. I know it's not traditional, but why didn't you ask me? Oh, that's right, you had to have everyone's gaze on you. You were only thinking of yourself; not thinking how much I missed your father in that moment, how much I would have loved to be the one to give you away.

I had known as soon as I met him that your husband would take you away, and you'd go on a whim. Whatever the man wanted, you'd do. Leaving states between us, not even visiting at Thanksgiving. Christmas only, until you got pregnant and asked me to come to you. Travel? At my age! You should have thought before you asked.

Now I wait for you to bring my granddaughter to visit me. I can't come to you, that's off the table. Just load up everything you need for the baby and come stay a week. Any mother can pack enough onesies for a week; it's not hard. I'll even let you use my washing machine.

- - -

I grew up feeling... not overlooked, exactly, but maybe disregarded? You focused on yourself first, my father second, and me somewhere down the line. You always talked about how you wanted a big family but you didn't seem to like children at all, so I'm not sure where that desire came from.

Or maybe it was just me you didn't like.

I loved going to school because I could escape into what we were learning. My teachers felt like surrogate parents, helping me submit essays to contests and apply to summer learning programs. I didn't want to be home if I could help it, but as long as I framed it as furthering my education, you and my father couldn't say no.

It still wasn't enough for you. You accused me of being a smart aleck, too big for my britches, trying to be better than you. 

When my father died, I thought I would move up on your hierarchy of love. I thought you would value family more, but it didn't turn out that way.

I went away to college, worked on campus all summer so I didn't have to come home. I wanted to elope but my husband wanted a wedding, so there you were in the front row, like a little black rain cloud.

My daughter was born and I wept. I was reassured she was healthy, but it wasn't that. I was scared of becoming just like you.

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